


If I'm Honest

by HellenZass



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:59:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HellenZass/pseuds/HellenZass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darling if I'm honest you've been on my mind on my mind all day and lately if I'm honest I can't bring myself to think no other way...No one touches me like you used to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unashamed Desire

The morning sunlight bouncing off her golden hair wakes you up. You feel a certain satisfaction waking up next to her like this in the late morning, only a thin green sheet covering one of her legs the rest kicked off in the night, her sun kissed skin glows and the black ink provides a beautiful contrast. You know what she won't be up for a few hours, her flight came in late and the plans to let her catch up on sleep had flown out the window as soon as she winked at you. When her eyes landed on yours through the throng of people in the airport, as innocently as she had intended it, but in reality nothing she did was innocent when it concerned you or your relationship, if that what you wanted to call it. But that word doesn’t seem right, a relationship means there has to be some kind of consistency some element of give and take and right now all you wanted was take, an understanding fit better than relationship. It was really more of a mutual attraction, a mutual want, want for what? you weren’t sure. But you had to remind yourself not to get attached, that the circumstances surrounding this agreement were fragile at best.

*~*

It’s like you were never apart, like all that time when she was in Florida without you didn’t exist, as if the fall semester ended yesterday and the spring one started today, and that worries you. The moment she hopped into your car outside Reagan everything you would never admit to being nervous about vanished when she leaned over the console and kissed you on the cheek before breathing out a soft “hey.” The ride back to your place was filled with her recounting stories of surfing on Christmas but you can’t be bothered to pay much attention because the only thing on your mind is how your cheek is still tingling from the soft touch of her lips.

“Ali”  
You blush worried somehow she knows what you are thinking about, worried she knows that all you’ve been thinking about for the past months is feeling her lips against...  
“Al?”  
“Sorry what?”  
She brushes it off with a knowing look on her face and keeps on with her story. You try to pay attention this time but she moves her hand to your knee and all hope is gone.

You help her with her bags, you don’t even show her around the apartment it’s nearing 1 a.m you figure you’ll show her around tomorrow. You set her bag down in the master bedroom and your face starts to redden when you see her walk in and raise her eyebrows at the king sized bed placed in the middle of the room. She turns to you intent on saying something about the sleeping arrangements to make you blush more but she stops when she sees the dark coloring of your eyes.  
She smirks and pulls off her jacket and then her shirt and just stares back as if saying “your move”, it reminds you of the first time it ever happened. That pivotal moment when your relationship stopped being strictly platonic, the drunken kisses that had happened in the past didn’t count according to you, the first time she made you call out her name, the first time you let that want that has always existed take over and manifest itself into the beautiful rhythm between your bodies. So with practiced elegance you pull of your shirt and step out of your sweats revealing the blue lace underneath. She holds her breath for a moment and just looks you up and down savoring the way you look half naked, for a second you are reminded of how much younger she is than you, but you quickly shake that thought away. You step forward place your palm on her abs and give her a chaste kiss in the lips, her lips try to follow yours as you pull away. She closes her eyes and whispers “God I’ve missed you Ali.” You step back and take both of her hands walking backward to lead her to the bed. You sit at the edge of the bed while she continues to just admire you. You reach up grab her necklace and pull her face level to your and right before your lips touch you say  
“Show me.”


	2. Everyone's Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know all the lines to say, the part I'm expected to play....but everyone's waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom Chp.1

“Shit”  
You quickly turn back to the house having forgotten your sun glasses.  
You don’t know why you’re so nervous it’s your second year on the full coaching staff and you’ve been an integral part of the team for even longer than that.  
Sure you’re still the ‘kid’ and probably will be for a long time but everyone including Walsh, who had said it herself, knew that the team would be yours in a couple of years time, you were Walsh’s prodigy it was almost as if she had planned it out when she had recruited you to play for the team when you were just 17,as long ago as that may seem. Even though they call you the kid you are far from it, but the same responsibilities that fell on you before you got the paid coaching staff position, when you were just a grad-student helping out with the team, seem to fall on you regardless of your title and you take it, the team is like a family to you anyway so you don’t mind having to live with a bunch of college girls in a house, if you’re being honest you wouldn’t trust anybody else to do it.  
But today is the day you get to see ‘your’ two year investment at work, your baby, your big plan. You had suggested it to Walsh during recruiting season two years ago, this barely legal NCAA loophole, it could only be a verbal agreement. It had gone down as Walsh’s idea, and for that you were glad because there was a chance it wouldn’t work and you were just a kid, but god you hoped it would work and so far it had. You were the man behind the curtain putting everything in motion making sure everything was in place and everything had gone perfect, well except for the recruits decision to defer for a year but that was just a minor setback it just made it into a two year deal instead of a one year deal and that was fine. But today was the day and damn it to hell you were nervous.  
o~o  
“Alright run it again ladies”  
You cringe as the blonde hopes up covered in mud, it hadn’t rained in the entire week the team dedicated to conditioning, and it hadn’t rained today either but it sure looked like a hurricane had passed through that penalty box.  
Of course today had to be the day the girls pulled something like this, the day you wanted to showcase your superstar they had to act like a freaking fraternity and pull this initiation crap. You would have smiled maybe even laughed had it been anyone else in that goal or maybe even any other day but no, it was today and it was Harris in that goal. You had to give them credit though, of all the initiation things they’ve ever pulled this one was probably one of the most creative, you knew the girls didn’t mean anything by it from what you had gathered Harris was a great fit in the team dynamics and everyone got along with her, but damn it to hell you wanted to make them run till the dirt dried. But you understood, not even the well liked transfers got out of initiation you were just hoping they would have done it during conditioning.

Thankfully the mud didn’t hinder her abilities much, she was just covered in mud, her once white practice jersey now a brown color you know will never wash out, while the rest of the team remained primarily spotless. As for a first showing Harris definitely did not disappoint and during the team huddle you smile so big that after the  
“WE ARE! PENN STATE”  
Walsh walks up behind you and claps you on the shoulder  
“Pretty pleased with yourself now aren’t we Krieger”  
She walks away smirking and you know the season has started just as you wanted it to.  
o~o  
The girls are already waiting for you in the locker room, some already changed others still in towels you notice a particular someone missing and here the shower still running, the girls have already grown used to your locker room talks after practices and after games, sometimes you all stayed in the locker room for an hour and a half after practice and other times it was just a minute, a quick good work or what have you. But this time some of the girls hung their head low and kept their eyes trained on the ground already knowing what was coming.  
“That was real cute girls, really a great way to make someone feel welcome”  
If it were possible some of the younger girls hang their heads lower but you catch some of the girls snickering and you smile as well because these are your girls and you know they meant no harm, it also helped that you were still able to show off your super star even though no one necessarily knew that, but you did and Walsh did and that is really all that matters.  
Almost as if on cue the blonde steps out of the shower in her towel, wet blonde hair no longer covered in mud cascading on one shoulder as she dries the other side of her head.  
“Harris my office” Walsh quickly opens and shuts her door. She looks confused and starts walking towards the office in her towel and knock on the door before opening it and steps in and then all you hear is  
“Put some damn clothes on first!”  
and all the girls burst into laughter and she sheepishly walks out of the office and towards her locker labeled #1 HARRIS, she quickly looks up at you and you smile and go into Walsh’s office.  
o~o  
She walks in not 5 minutes later her hair tied into a tight bun at the back of her head and takes a seat right in from of Erica’s desk  
“I assume you’ve gotten settled here in State College without much trouble?”  
She opens her mouth to respond but you step in  
“Actually Erica there was a problem with Res Life but I was able to get it sorted out” She whips her head around she hadn’t noticed you on her way in.  
“You know how they can be with Transfer students and their ridiculous rules about living off campus” You continue tell Erica about the housing problem and she doesn’t seem too worried about it, you’re sure the recruit doesn’t care much either but you had been furious when you found out that they had put your 2 year plan in the international building, after hours upon hours of fighting with Res Life and yelling at them that the transfer student was 20 even though she was a sophomore, you had managed to reach some sort of agreement; they would put her in the only single on the second floor and she would be allowed to move to The Soccer House the following semester but only because Megan, their super senior, would be gone but until then you would have to trust the mess that was campus housing to look after your superstar.  
After you finished your long winded explanation the blonde looked at you perplexed, if only she knew that your success depended directly on her success she would understand why a stupid Campus Housing situation could put you on edge. Erica understood but just nodded  
“sure, sure”  
She continued with the usual team welcoming spiel and you just stared at the blonde bun that would determine your future  
“Coach K lives in the soccer house with the some of the girls and it has come to my understanding that they hold study halls Tuesday and Thursday nights” you’re snapped out of your trance  
“I expect you to go to everyone”  
This is another part agreement you were worried about, the whole reason there had been an agreement in the first place because her academics just weren’t D1 material in high school and surely they weren't PSU material, but you had made a plan and she had stuck to it, hell she had done well enough at that D2 school that admissions had barely bat an eye at the transfer papers you submitted for her. But you knew that keeping her grades up would be a different story here, you knew, she knew and Erica knew. But you had already put in word for a private tutor and had even reserved a room in the library.  
She nods “I understand”  
“Well go on with your day see you tomorrow”  
She gets up to leave shakes Erica’s hand and smiles at you as she walks out the door, you see Whitney one of the Sophomores on the back line sitting on the bench outside the room get up and walk out with her.  
You smile, everything is going to work just fine.


	3. Nightminds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were blessed by a different kind of inner view. I know, I know, I know, I knew before you got home. But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see. And in our honesty together we will rise out of our nightminds and into to the light at the end of the fight.

The rest of preseason went on without a hitch and for that you were thankful. Classes had started at the beginning of the week and the home opener against St. John’s is on Friday, an easy game Walsh had said to you today at practice as you watched the girls practice pk’s, nothing to worry about so you don’t.

Instead you distract yourself preparing the pasta dinner with some of the girls in the house, you even make brownies for the study session after dinner although you suspect everyone will clear out after dinner, they haven’t even had a full week of school, so really you were making them as a treat for the girls before their first game.

In between staining the noodles and putting the brownies in the oven you note Ashlyn coming in behind a group of girls, the only one with a backpack, seemingly filled with books, a smile makes its way to your lips.

Whitney is as helpful as ever, pushing the girls out of the kitchen and setting them up along the living room, on the couch and the floor, while you finish placing the food along the large table in the kitchen. Once you’ve found the perfect placement so that all the food is evenly spread out, you step out of the room and all the girls stare at you like starving wolves.

“Alright ladies have at it”

You barely get the last word out before they push past you into the kitchen to serve themselves. You make your way over to the television on the wall and start the movie as the girls make their way back with filled plates.

By the time Amanda Bynes is throwing a ball at her boyfriends face all the girls are situated along the living room in complete silence only concerned with the pasta on their plates.

You are about half way through the movie they start to stir, now full of energy after their large meal.

“BACK LINE CHALLENGE!” one of the girls declare.

You hear Amy groan beside you and chuckle to yourself, remembering the first time you had done it your freshmen year, you know the duty falls on the senior captain of the backline and you grin at Amy.

The rest of the girls start to chant it until Amy can’t pretend she doesn’t hear it

“FINE. We will do the backline challenge”

The girls cheer.

“Harris front and center”

Ashlyn looks up from her lap clearly very confused

“huh?”

~

She stays even after all the girls have gone and hauls her heavy backpack onto the kitchen table looking at you expectantly. You look up from the dishes you just finished putting back in the cabinets raise your eyebrow in response.

She grins at you and begins unloading heaps of books from her bag as she takes a seat

“I don’t do math so I hope you speak calculus”

You take a seat next to her and by the time she finishes her homework you are both lost in conversation that seemed to flow as easily as if you’d know her your entire life, that you don’t notice the time ‘till she looks down at her phone, she frowns at the screen.

“How late is it?”

“Early actually, if I don’t get back soon they’ll lock me out of the building” She looks up at you with her half smile that somehow symbolizes the flirty banter that the two of you have develop over the past hours, the foundation of your relationship.

Ashlyn makes her way to the door as you trail behind her she reaches for the doorknob and as she opens the front door to the house she turns to

“I had a great time tonight, but uh I don’t kiss on the first date” She winks at you

“oh get out of here horndog” you push her out of the door as she chuckles to herself.

~

“You’re not dumb Harris, you’re lazy. There’s a difference” You give her a pointed look. Her only response is to stick her tongue out at you as shove the sociology textbook back in front of her.

Goofy, thats a good word to describe her. She is childish sometimes but other times she acts like Casanova, you have no idea how those two traits could go together but they do; and hell they work for her.

Classes are in full swing now and more girl’s are staying but every night she is the last to leave.

You tell her she doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t have any work to do, but she still shows up. Sometimes with a boatload of books other times with flash cards, but no matter how many things she brings with her she stays all night.

Part of you thinks she is just showing her dedication to the team and her commitment, but another part of you remembers she meets with a tutor at least twice a week and is a part of at least one study group, you know because you set her up with them, so there is no reason she should have so much work, at this rate she’ll be done with all her work for the semester before fall break, but every Tuesday and Thursday her alarm sounds telling her she has 10 minutes to run back to her dorm before they lock her out, every Thursday the girls tease Ashlyn, you feign ignorance, it’s cute really her little crush.

~

It’s funny how things work out, you can’t remember the last season was that your first away game was three full weeks into regular season, but thats how it works out. It’s a weekend game against WVU leading into fall break. Nothing is more chaotic than the first weekend away game absolutely nothing and you know the girls are going to be in a mood because of the impending break, you don’t even bother with the normal pre-trip spiel the after morning workouts that day

“we still have to play a game tonight ladies”

you leave it at that.

The girls start loading onto the bus at noon with their pillows and their usual travel attire, which if you’re honest with them is a bit hobo-ish. You run through the roster subconsciously as the girls board the bus, you have your headphones on book already opened in your lap, but you still double check that everyone is on the bus, triple check for her even you smile to yourself when you see her take the seat next to Whitney just a couple rows back. Walsh is the last one on the bus and she looks to you for confirmation and with your nod she tells the bus driver we are all set.

After just an hour you can hear the girls getting restless. It starts with singing and escalates to the point where poor Amy in the back row has to tell them they sound like dying alley cats. From the singing they move into the yellow car game which ends with Amy punching Becky in the arm for good measure. After that a constant chatter remains throughout the bus, something that makes no sense to you considering almost everyone of the girls has headphones on, thats when you hear it

“you won't sit next to her” Niki, you think, teases

you pretend to be engulfed in your book, even though you know exactly who that was directed to. Ashlyn’s little crush although endearing is beginning to earn her quite the teasing from the team. She’s a sport about it, trying to put on an image in front of the girls, she makes it too easy really. You’re just glad the girls have taken to her, and playing along helps so you do, its pretty funny too.

“say I won't” you hear her reply followed by giggling of all the girls as she makes her way up to your seat.

You look up from your book and there she stands in the aisle looking at you expectantly, all her confidence gone as she makes eye contact with you

“I...uhm...can”

“You shouldn’t be walking around while the bus is moving Harris”

“right.”

She blushes as the girls all break into another fit of giggles and makes her way back to her seat with a huff next to Whitney who seems to be in tears laughing at this point

“smooth champ” she laughs as she pats Ashlyn on the back.

You look back at her just as she looks up and makes eye contact, you give her a quick wink before looking away. She can’t wipe the goofy smile off her face the rest of the bus ride.

~

WVU shows up big tonight and the girls can’t seem to find each others feet. It’s bad luck really the goal that comes, miscommunication, a ball that should have been cleared and it’s nearly saved by Harris but she is just a second behind it when she dives far post. You can’t help but notice the dejected look on her face.

First away game, first shot to make it past her.

The girls rally after that, and if its possible Harris gains more confidence commanding the backline into working right. It’s Sarah who scores the equalizer, she runs right past the bench on the sidelines getting high fives from everyone, even earning a slap on the ass from Niki.

~

You hope that the game would’ve taken some of the energy out of the girls for the night, and you sigh in relief as all their heads lull back into the bus seats on the ride back.

But a three hour nap must be all they need because when they hop off the bus they practically skip the whole way back to the house, you groan following them not even worrying about the possibility of a car hitting them, it’s well past midnight.

They’ll all be gone by noon tomorrow you tell yourself. Fall break won't just be a break for them.

~

You go out the next night for the first time in what seems like months, after dropping the last girl off at the airport you're free, so you let loose. You meet Lori at the club and maybe you go a little overboard, but Lori tells you you’ve been working too hard every time she hands you a shot, and you don’t have to worry about a bunch of twenty year olds raising havoc in state college so you let yourself be convinced.

The night goes by in a blur of sequence and lots of dancing, you vaguely remember Lori getting you a cab while she heads home with some cute brunette.

~

You fiddle with the lock for a minute before you realize it’s unlocked, you pay no mind to it though, the alcohol doesn’t let you care. You stumble into the house and immediately start to hop on one foot while you take your heels off. As you walk into the house you start to remove your accessories and as you pass the living room you start to unzip your dress ‘till you notice the tv is on and a certain blonde looking at you with shocked eyes.

“Harris why are you in my house right now” you slur

You consider the state you’re in, clearly intoxicated, undressing yourself before you could even make it to your room, but in your defense you thought no one was home.

She looks down into her lap embarrassed

“Whitney gave me her key”  
“oh” you grunt in response and continue to make your way up the stairs unzipping your dress and stepping out of it before flopping onto bed.


End file.
